A quick note: Happy Halloween! It didn't really want this to be its "Halloween" post, but this was on its heart to write this morning, so it did. Also, if you're confused by the way it is wording things, it apologizes. It meant to do a "coming out" post of sorts, but it never got around to it. Basically-- it's non-binary and uses the neo-pronouns it/its/kin. You may refer to it as they/them/kin if that makes you feel more comfortable. Some day, it will do a more detailed post about this. But not today. What it MAY do is a quick fun Halloween post about its favorite horror films later, though. For now... the important stuff.
The Important Stuff: It wanted to write this post because it knows that there is power sometimes in sharing your testimony. Now, when it says “testimony”, it doesn’t mean anything religious. But this is an account for those who have struggled with co-dependency. This is an account for those who are people of color who had to shrink themselves in order to feel safe, desired, or welcome. This is an account for those with friends or loved ones who are difficult-- who swear they have your best interest at heart, but whether consciously or unconsciously, continue to engage with behavior that puts you down and takes advantage of you.
Kin also wishes to be clear. This isn’t exonerating you if you haven’t done the work to hold yourself accountable for your actions. Even if you hold “less” blame, you must confront this. Confront your co-dependency. Confront your desires for revenge and your sense of self-righteousness. Confront your trauma responses, with compassion but honesty, and make a commitment to try and grow out of them.
This isn’t a hit piece. There will be no identifying information or personal details or admissions revealed from its personal situation. Kin simply wishes to talk about... setting oneself free. Because it has a feeling that there are many others who deal with this. Who are perhaps neurodivergent like it and its friend who have trouble with engaging in conflict-- even healthy conflict.
Did you know that exists? Healthy conflict? Well, it does. And it's necessary to learn.
It wants people out there to know they are not alone.
You are not alone in feeling like you have to be small and submissive in order for people not to look at you and treat you like a threat just because of how you look.
You are not alone in being gaslit into thinking you’re so unstable and irrational when in fact the person you’re dealing with is the one who struggles with supportive and collaborative conflict resolution.
You are not alone feeling unseen and disrespected by the people you care about most.
You are not alone in being villified when you are in fact the one who was attacked and wronged.
It wants you to know something-- this behavior towards you is wrong. It is wrong that you were made to feel like your feelings weren’t valid or reasonable. That you were pressured into silence when you had every right to speak out. That you were treated as less intelligent and less mature.
Sometimes the people we love the most hurts us the most, but that doesn’t mean we can’t erect boundaries and condemn that which hurts us. It’s possible to do that without condemning the person perpetrating it as a whole. You’ll have to judge for yourself whether or not you think remaining in contact with this person will be worthwhile. Kin feels that its relationship with the friend it is struggling with is worth keeping. It won’t go into all the reasons why, but suffice it to say, it feels the issues are manageable and it is okay with the friendship changing shape to become something healthier-- even if that means more boundaries over how it engages with its friend. But kin cannot speak to your troubles.
If you feel you are at physical risk, then by all means, cease contact. If the relationship is so toxic that you feel your overall health is at risk, then by all means, cease contact. But that is up to you to decide.
For those who wish to keep in contact with those who are hurting you... It is important that your friend or loved one is willing to hear you. Change won’t happen quickly, and if they repeat the problematic behaviors not long after you establish your new boundaries, then know that your frustration is valid but that you must make space for them to learn. It is difficult for anyone to accept that a core belief of who they are may not stack up the way they previously thought. It is harsh ego-bruising, and you must consider how difficult it would be for you to have someone come and disassemble some intrinsic part you believe exists in you.
"I am a fantastic friend."
"I am a supportive brother."
"I am a caring parent."
Having any of these foundational beliefs taken apart would be hard for anyone to accept, and you should be grateful if your loved one even entertains the idea. Because it is alot to take. So be kind, not judgemental. Create a supportive environment that sets up your loved one for success, not a combative environment that is riddled with traps.
Is compassion and patience easy? No. But they are worthwhile things to try and cultivate, and it does require some humility on your part. If you respond harshly to a mistake, own up to that. It doesn’t invalidate the issues you raise, and if your friend tries to make it about that, calmly explain why it does not. Speak kindly and try to see that maybe your friend did not mean to make you feel this way. If they did... well, again, that’s up to you to engage with, but kin feels that any purposeful acts of harm, emotional or otherwise, deserves the toughest of boundaries.
If your friend is in denial? If they say to your face that they are sorry and will try to change, but then repeatedly fail to do so? Then by all means, call it out and hold them accountable to that. But again, it’s up to you to decide if you wish to keep fighting for the relationship at that point.
It’s true-- sometimes people keep deceiving themselves about their own bad behavior. They make commitments and don’t follow through, or they are nice to your face but talk about you behind your back. That’s not real cooperation. That’s a pattern of defensive behavior called “surrender, sabotage” and you can learn more about that and the other five patterns of defensive behavior by looking up a woman named Sharon Strand Ellison on YouTube.
If your loved one is doing this, then they are not engaging in good faith. You can choose whether you think it is constructive trying to confront them on this. It really must stress this-- just because kin is choosing to continue engaging its friend, it does not want to encourage anyone to remain trapped in abusive and damaging relationships. It very well may be that further down the line, kin has to reconsider its decision to keep its friend in its life. But it is not there, and it remains hopeful. Sabotage is one thing, avoidance is another. Its friend has perhaps avoided doing their work because it’s hard and makes them confront ugly aspects of themselves. Kin is trying to give them time while maintaining their boundaries. It isn’t easy, but this is part of kin’s growing too.
It must learn how to engage supportively, provisionally, and patiently. It must measure its responses and not over-engage due to its trauma. It must reduce its friend’s footprint in its mind so that conflicts no longer feel all-consuming. This is kin’s work. Maybe your work will look slightly different. But the fact is: if you’re struggling with co-dependency, then you do have work to do too. Period.
But what’s on you isn’t to “teach” or “fix” the other person. All that you can do is make clear your boundaries. If you feel up to it and the other person is receptive, then explain it once, but refrain from over-explanation. If they don’t accept your needs or reasons? That’s on them. Your feelings and mental health are not up for debate. That may be a clear sign that cessation is better, or at the very least, very strict boundaries.
You can do this. You are worth it. You are seen.
It’s sorry if this failed to help anyone. It just wanted people to know... you aren’t alone. You just aren’t.