So I did a lot of work today on the site in an effort to distract myself from feeling overly depressed. I'm feeling better than last night and early this morning, but it's tenuous. Like anything could tip me over and I'm a crying mess. I dislike feeling so overly dramatic. I know (now) that part of that is the difficulty ADHD people feel with emotion regulation. Obsessing over things that hurt us or traumatize us can be something we go through, too. I just wish my particular neurodivergence didn't take this shape. Why can't I be like the folks who get hurt, and then immediately are able to forget it? It's like high level compartmentalization or something. For me, whatever has me upset can chase me for hours, or even days.
To explain: basically one of my fanfiction stories didn't get a very good reception. It's the first story on the fanfiction site that has a higher downvote to upvote ratio. I'm not sure if I can ever turn it around, and it's particularly upsetting because I put alot of effort into my work. I don't mean that with hyperbole, I mean I probably spent several dozens of hours on this story. Writing, editing, creating original artwork, promoting it, etc... It was a requested fic, meaning a follower of mine asked for it, but I got rather invested in the work. I'm not sure what other writers are like when handling fic requests or story commissions, but it's very difficult for me to write something and not feel emotionally invested in the characters. I empathize with them so much, and it's very important to me to convey my ideas clearly. I've been known to make the mistake of seeing art as a way of communicating with others. There have been times where I even feel the work is an extension of myself. I've been told I shouldn't be so invested in a story once it goes out, but again...the idea is just so alien to me. How do you cut off your own hand and act like nothing is wrong, y'know?
So believe me, I totally recognize that this isn't something someone else will inherently get unless you've ever worked on art or writing and had the world treat it unkindly. I get that to anyone else, my feelings seem silly, dramatic, and pointless. But what can I say? I'm in my feels right now. As Pinkshift said in their song, i'm not crying, you're crying, I swear I'm trying. And yes, I'm trying my hardest. NOT trying would be me deleting the story immediately, then curling up in my bed, crying and vowing never to write another story ever again. I think, all things considered, I'm doing fairly okay. To anyone looking at me, I might seem a bit preoccupied, maybe a touch more moody, but that's about it. I may not have a great poker face, but my masking skills are pretty good.
The real goal is to get on the other side of this without resorting to drugs or self-harm. When my feelings were at their worst, my first thought was to cut myself or slam my head into the wall repeatedly. My second thought was to drink alcohol, but I can't while on the medication I'm taking. I may still smoke weed later tonight just to help me sleep, but it doesn't really "numb" me like I hear some people say. My feelings are glass shards and they cut deep. I walk around trying to keep it together, and some times are easier than others, but I've got this piece of glass in my shoe hurting every step, and it's distracting as fuck guys, not gonna lie.
It's easy to get into a spiral about my worth as a writer and artist. It's easy to say, "You've been enjoying the comforts of mediocrity, so now see the truth. You really are as worthless as your critics claim." But I know it's just the depression and the hurt and the overreaction brought on by my condition. I know that even great authors who have achieved success on a scale I can only dream of have also failed on a scale I can only dream of, only to turn it around and come back with a hit. I'm gonna go through a list, just so I can look back on this on a day when I suddenly start crying (like I am right now all of a sudden, lol. I was fine most of the time typing this, geez! This is what I mean. It's touch and go and I'm sensitive...) Anyway:
- F. Scott Fitzgerald - He wrote The Great Gatsby in 1925, which was a commercial flop. He died believing he was a failure, but his work ended up becoming immensely famous posthumously.
- John Steinbeck - After winning the Pulitzer Prize for The Grapes of Wrath, he published The Moon is Down in 1942. It was a critical and commercial failure, with people displeased with how he portrayed Nazi-occupied Norway. Then in 1945 he bounced back with Cannery Row and in 1952 with East of Eden, which are both considered classics today.
- Joseph Heller - After the success of Catch-22 in 1961, Heller's next novel, Something Happened, received mixed reviews in 1974. Some critics found it overly bleak and pessimistic. He later achieved acclaim with Good as Gold in 1979, which was a satirical look at Washington D.C.
- Stevie Wonder - Following his successful albums of the 1970s, Wonder put out Journey Through the Secret Life of Plants in 1979, a soundtrack album that was met with mixed reviews and considered a commercial failure. He returned with Hotter Than July in 1980, which featured the hit single Happy Birthday.
- Mariah Carey - Carey went through a critical decline in the early 2000s following the release of Glitter in 2001 and its film. She made a massive comeback with The Emancipation of Mimi in 2005, which became one of the best-selling albums of the decade.
So there. Sometimes it happens. Sometimes an author or an artist can have a work that doesn't get positive reception. That could change later, or it may never. In the case of my story, I firmly believe that the technical quality was there, and the concepts were carefully thought out. It had some challenging elements to it, like a romance that featured an age gap...but it was between consenting adults, and the gap was seven years between a twenty-eight-year-old and a thirty-five-year-old. It may have been the cover artwork, which featured a character as a person of color. But I'm not sure if that accounts for all the downvotes. It's rather useless to try and figure out the reasons. Without someone to tell me their thoughts (and no one has volunteered save for those few who told me they liked it) then the mystery will persist for me. And I'll just have to live with it.
I know I've been a bit coy about the work itself. For the record, it's a My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic fanfiction featuring two background characters that were humanized. The story heavily featured BDSM elements, but love, safety, and communication were central to the dynamics and kinks present. Yes, I know that sounds strange to anyone unfamiliar with pony, but you'd just have to read the work to see what I'm talking about. I feel like, washed of the MLP specifics, this story would have done better in a kink community. I have half a mind to try and see, but I'm a bit drained of this whole affair and I need to shift focus to other work. I have other fics that were requested of me. Given what was requested, they'll probably do better, but the challenge in the coming days is persevering through my disappointment and sense of rejection to...y'know. Deliver on my other commitments in a reasonable time.
I'm going to try and relax somewhere. Maybe read The Green Yuri or The Wandering Inn with a cup of herbal tea. I know I'll be okay. If you somehow actually read all of this, then thanks. You're awesome.
I truly hope you have a great holiday season and that you're happy and safe out there.