Hello wayward traveler. We are back at it again, if only briefly. It's crazy that somehow a whole dang year went by. I've thought about this website and the work I'd put into it alot recently. It was never my intention to let this get neglected, but I've learned alot about myself while I was gone. You see, I've come to see (and eventually) accept the fact that I have ADHD.

Yeah. That thing that so many people are learning they've got. Miss me with the microagressions, please. I've heard it all before. "But everyone seems to be diagnosed with that!" Sure, sure. Maybe because it was under studied and underdiagnosed? Sorry, I don't mean to sound defensive right off the bat. I think part of that is still for me. To tell myself, "Yes, stupid. All your life you struggled and said it's because you didn't try hard enough. Because you're weak or just weak-disciplined. Get it together! Try harder!" And to realize... No. It's not about "trying harder." It was never that I lacked discipline. It's that I literally have a mental disorder that takes what would be somewhat challenging to most neurotypical people and made it exceptionally harder for neurodivergent people! The most frustrating thing? ADHD (and by extension, autism and other neurodivergent conditions) does not look the same from person to person.

So does it eat away at me that there are people with ADHD who still managed to have careers, finish projects, and generally "get somewhere" in life? Hell yeah, it does! But as a friend once poetically put it, "Their holes are not the same shape as our holes." Meaning everyone's struggle is different, everyone's journey is unique. One thing ADHD/autistic people tend to have? Perseverance. Another? Strong individualism. So even those who had no support network managed to succeed. But I would bet my left hand that the statistics of those people are in the minority. A large swathe of "successful" neurodivergent people likely had a number of factors going for them, including (but not limited to): a loving support network, early diagnosis and treatment, and a high/strong socioeconomic background. Martha Barnard-Rae did an excellent Ted Talk about her experience being diagnosed with ADHD as an adult after having kids. It was very inspiring and it made me feel seen. But you know what? She's a business owner and a content creator who had loving supporting parents and the socioeconomic background to receive the kind of education that she did. That spoke nothing of her happiness, which was impacted by her ADHD, but it just goes to show how certain factors can propel some people farther.

Me? I... Did not have these things. My family was infected inside and out with patriarchy via the machismo culture that still managed to persist despite their center-left leanings. I was a girl, and therefore, I was not expected to do anything but find a good man and support him. I was told by my father that I could "do anything I set my heart to", only to have him turn around and vow to make me lose certain jobs should I acquire them, and to also not ever once lift a finger to take me to sports practices, notice or even encourage my interest in coding, and failing to talk to me about college. (Mind you, my attitude about college is that it's a rich man's game with no guarantee of a career, but I could have certainly chosen to gamble on something better than a creative writing degree.) My mother? Forget it. She discouraged me from most opportunities because she thought they'd be too hard for me, and worse, an inconvenience for her. My brothers? They didn't build me up or encourage my interests any more than my parents did. Add on top of all that the fact that we were not wealthy. In fact, we were barely staying afloat most of the time. And my family's attitude about mental health treatment? Counselors and psychologists were just scam artists manipulating us, and by the way, "ADHD is bullshit, they're just trying to cure kids of their natural behavior." And they said this without a single bit of research, because all the while as they scoffed and said these things, I was exhibiting ALL THE MARKERS for what ADHD looked like in girls and femmes. Finally, add in the pervasive attitude in latino cultures that disregarded higher education entirely. (Salem Tovar did a great video about this.)

So what am I aiming to get at with all of this? Well... Hopefully I educated you a teeny tiny bit about societal attitudes toward ADHD and the problems that plague latino communities. But mostly this was all a lead-in to say... There's a reason I start things and have trouble finishing them. Not that this website/blog project was ever meant to be something to "finish", but I'm acknowledging the lack of updates (and especially blog updates) and this is what I've come to understand is the reason why. It's not that I don't love this website or what I was trying to set out to do. I love making websites and learning coding. I love writing and talking about My Little Pony and The X-Files. I just also have this disorder that makes it really, really hard to stay organized, especially over extended periods. I also got burned out alot over the year that I was gone. ADHD burnout basically means I fall into something that very closely resembles depression. Nothing interests me anymore. I feel uninspired. I feel lethargic and irritable. And then... I find something new to give my endorphin-starved-brain to obssess over. That, by the way, is called "hyperfixating". I hyperfixated on working on this site for a long time, and that was a ton of fun and very rewarding. But then I burned out. Not that I think anyone was waiting for this to come alive or anything, but to past me, present me, and future me, I want to apologize for that.

The way I'm trying to address that is obviously by educating myself. I found a counselor who also has ADHD and didn't discount my struggles and concerns offhand. They recommended an amazing workbook to me that has literally changed my entire understanding of ADHD and how it factors into the lives of my entire family. ("The Neurodivergence Skills Workbook for Autism and ADHD" by Jennifer Kemp and Monique Mitchelson) Because I know now that my mom, dad, brothers, son, husband, and daughter, ALL likely have ADHD or autism. How? Easy. It's fucking genetic. It gets passed down. Which I denied for the longest time, even when I finally accepted that the rest of my family was neurodivergent. I had convinced myself that everything "wrong" with me was due to nurture, not nature. I wasn't really neurodivergent, I was just surrounded by neurodivergent people, so that meant I just picked up on all their quirky behavior, right? ...Right?

My best friend, april fish, god bless her soul, she was so patient with me. She has ADHD and recognized that I was having the same struggles as her, but she didn't push or pry. She just listened as I processed, gently introducing different ideas as I slowly, painfully arrived at the ultimate conclusion. The only conclusion. "If it walks like a duck, and talks like a duck, then..." I've got an upcoming psychiatry appointment to talk about next steps regarding my ADHD. I'm hoping to get on medication soon. I'm still making progress in the workbook and learning about myself and my family. I feel so much better armed for the future, and I'm relieved that I can finally stop blaming myself for everything. I want to manage this and move forward. I've had a little bit of mourning. The usual "if only I'd gotten help sooner" feelings that many adult-diagnosed people people experience. But not a ton. I haven't shed many tears or even angrily lashed out at my family for their mistakes. They didn't know. Some of them are learning. One of my older brothers even accepted that he has ADHD too. We're all learning in this stupid captialist patriarchal society that doesn't want us to rise.

Well. I look forward to rising up someday, higher than this. And I'll have a big fat middle finger extended for all the ones that made this broken ass system trying to hold us down.