I wanted to keep it light for the first couple of posts, but that's a little hard, if I'm being honest. I even had a fun review that I'd wanted to share for a campy movie. (In all honesty, that probably belongs in its own part of the site for that kind of thing. Maybe I'll make a Reviews page?) Right now, times are tough and have been for a long time now. Not just emotionally, but financially, too. It feels difficult keeping my head up when I have to second guess using up gas for an errand. When I sweat a little spending $3 for fingerpaint so that my two-year-old daughter can do something enriching. When my intermittent fasting for health reasons starts to feel like a strategy for making our food stores stretch.
EDIT: It occurred to me that I should preface this post with the fact that the Madison trip I shared on this blog was done on a shoestring budget, with help from family, and with a hotel room and concert tickets that were purchased months in advance when our financial position was much, much different than now. There was free city parking, and all but one of the attractions we went to were free to the public. The one we DID have to pay for was under $20 for all of us to do. It was strongly debated on whether or not we should even continue with the trip, but with the hotel room non-refundable and Madison such a manageable distance to drive, we decided to just do it. For the kids. Especially my son, whose been battling depression and anxiety over the upheaval we've gone through the last few months.
I'd like very much for my life to be different. I often wonder how I got here. How I could have made the mistakes I did. When I'm being gracious with myself, I can say, "There were a lot of circumstances that led to that, things that we couldn't see and were beyond our control." And other times, when I'm less gracious, all I can think is..."Why weren't you better? How could you be so stupid?"
Like a lot of people, I have student loan debt. Like a lot of people, I have yet to use my degree, even though its been nine years since I graduated. What did I graduate with? A Bachelor of Fine arts in Creative Writing for Entertainment. Yep. I did that. I followed my dream, hoping that the degree course would put me in a position to meet industry professionals and up-and-coming creators who might remember little ol' me. None of it panned out that way.
For the record, I HAVE been paid professionally for my writing. But it was freelance work, and it didn't pay much. Certainly not enough to pay rent, let alone cover the monthly groceries. It's just so funny. We all had it drilled into our heads growing up that we had to go to college and university, or we weren't going to get anywhere. Trade schools were never mentioned, either. Those were for "lesser" people, after all. The ones not ambitious enough to pursue TRUE higher learning.
It was a bunch of bullshit. I wish I'd gone the trade school route and got trained in a field I could actually get hired in. Or even try to teach myself how to code! Where would I be now, if only I had?
And have you guys heard about this new plan from the Biden-Harris Administration to give 804,000 borrowers $34b in automatic loan forgiveness through income driven repayment plans? I don't know what to make of it. I certainly don't feel hope. Irritation, maybe? Because in all likelihood, I won't be part of that 804k.
There's some conundrum that is coming to mind that I swear has a name, but I can't remember what it is right now. Anyway, it basically goes like this: if you could make different decisions and live a different life, would you? Because chances are, that different life won't include the people in your life NOW that you love. Like my husband or my kids.
Life is weird. But life is also full of surprises. Right now? Money is really tight, I have problems with family, and it just really feels like all my goals and dreams are on hold. Indefinitely. Later? Who knows, maybe our luck will finally turn around.
I'll just keep hanging on. What else can I do? I can't give up. My kids need me, and they'll keep needing me even into adulthood. Life is ups and downs. Right now we're way down. But if we can just work hard, be smart, and stay careful, we can start to pull ahead.
I feel slightly better now that I've written that. Man! This blogging thing works, lol.
I was feeling a bit chagrined earlier today, though. Yes, this is a personal blog, and yes I'm a beginner at coding and this is my big messy project to get better... But the more I learn about web design and accessibility, the more I sweat thinking, "Have I not been challenging myself?" and worse, "Have I been too selfish?"
The thoughts came after reading Rin's manifesto over on her site Wings.NU. I agree with a lot of it, and though I don't have her fiery disdain for the rose-colored glasses people have for the old web, I DO understand it. My experience with the old web was different though. That certainly doesn't discount her recounting of it, far from it, actually! I just experienced the ugliness of the old web a different way.
Bullying and sexual harassment over internet forums and AIM. Being a young child inundated with porn ads. Easily encountering viruses and malware that required us wiping our whole computer...TWICE. Not being able to find the information you wanted, or the spaces you wanted to be a part of because searching the web was HARD. Why do you think webrings were a thing? They were necessary!
The old web was NOT perfect, and it wasn't inclusive, either. It often catered to white audiences, and naturally, did not go out of its way for those who had accessibility issues. Rin's manifesto is one of the first I read to point the latter issue out. I hadn't really considered it, but this whole "Let's relive the old web!" attitude is just terribly problematic.
Thanks to HTML Dog's fantastic HTML tutorials, I've been including alt text on my images in an attempt to keep some accessibility on my site. I realize now that maybe I could try and take it a step further and make my alt text more detailed so that someone with vision issues can know what the image even is. I'd also like to see if changing text size is possible on my site. If it's not, I may up my font size in a noobish effort to make that reading experience better. I've already been trying to aim for backgrounds that will retain some readability when up against my text. I know there's also a way to change the CSS style depending on the background. That may be a project for down the road.
Honestly, I'm not really a "member" of this old/yesterweb community Rin is criticizing. I don't participate in whatever online circlejerks are happening now, or have been in the past. This was my first original web design attempt since I was a teenager. I'm like her. I actually remember what the old web was like, and I used it extensively growing up. But I also do remember the good things. I'd like to try and take the good and leave the bad.
And to her point about all these Neocities sites looking sameish...yeah, a lot of them do. Right now, maybe my site does too. I'll keep working until, little by little, it doesn't anymore. In the meantime, hopefully the content I'll keep adding will make up for it. Like my X-Files shrine, for instance. I'm trying to make it more than just a bunch of goofy gifs and a pile of pictures. I'd like to add interesting information there. Maybe even USEFUL information for anybody looking to get into the series or play any of its games!
I'm going to keep experimenting going forward. I've been thinking that as much as I like my site layout, I'd like to do a few pages in a completely different style. I wanna experiement with div layering. And eventually, I'd like to learn what PHP is all about... though I learned recently that Neocities doesn't allow this. Ah, and I found this interesting reddit post that inspired me to start keeping better backups of my website in case things go south with this host.
I'm starting to lose steam. I guess my heart's all poured out! That's good. I think I'll fool around with a game that isn't Elder Scrolls Online for once before bed. Good night!